I don't know you, yet..
If anything goes according to my hopes or expectations, I won't know you for quite some time.. Should I any sooner than far, far later, then I am made accountable for my actions and for not being a bit wiser in my decisions. But I will never call you a mistake ~ a 'mistake' implies that something is an accident... And there are no accidents. You could never be anything less to me than a wonderful blessing. All the same, I write this to you, today, because as far away as I envision you in my future, I think about you often. I think about you enough, at times, to wish I already knew you.. I think about you enough to already Love you... and to know that I always will. There may be a time when you aren't as sure of this, because there are seldom words enough and there is Never time enough for one to express this Truth to another - and if my relationship with My father is any indication, I can be almost assured that the words won't ever be said as much as they are meant - but when those times present themselves, this letter is the song I sing to you with the same amount of Love & Truth at any and every moment.
I think about the world I will leave to you, and the worries you will know. The fears you will face. I will tell you of my experiences - about the poverty that I now know that I can only hope won't be Your experience, come your time. I will tell you of the world's ugliest in as delicate but honest a voice as possible. I will praise loud and verbosely the world's best and shining moments.. I already suspect that you will be one of those which I sing the loudest praises. If it is in fact the case that I have not changed the world for even slightly better (besides with you, of course), then I owe you my apologies for you having to suffer the consequences of that. Know that from when and where I stand, right now, I am making an effort and I am doing what I can. I want you to know that that is all one can ever do. When you feel that there is more that you can or must do, just know this - that for whatever you are doing, wherever, you will have a Proud Dad. Take a breather when necessary - enjoy the warmth and pleasantry of the world whenever you can. Or take a knee if you have to - there are just gonna be some days that put everything into knocking you over.. But Never Give Up.
The world, your teachers, your friends, and yes, even at times your own parents, will try to push you left and push you right. Will tell you "this is how things are" and how you should be. Sometimes these people will tell you these things to protect you.. Other times they will do this to protect their interests or their expectations or their world view.. I imagine all of these are inline or much the same.. You will find your own Truth over the years - you will find people with good advice and others with bad. You may lose your step and your way often enough.. But for whatever you are told, have faith the absolute Most in yourself. The world will tell you how to be every single day - but just Be, in accordance with your view and your morality and your Love, and you will know a gracefulness and happiness that most who walk this Earth can't even imagine. Never be afraid to grow or change or evolve - even the dead change - but you and you alone will always have the greatest sense of who you are and what is and is not for you - the world will seem to do all that it can to have you forget this, but I pray you will not. Be effortlessly You, and in that truthful space all else falls around it in its rightful place.
As I have known racism in this lifetime, I am afraid that you, too, will know it - I am sorry, but there is seemingly no way around this. I think that the first time I was ever called a 'nigger' was on the jungle gyms by some other kid at school in 2nd or 3rd grade. I remember it hurt, for reasons I at that time did not understand. I suspect that this could happen to you, some time in your life, too.. And I suspect that, as I often did in my own youth, you won't tell your mother or me about it - if you inherit this trait from me, the case was that I do not often like to share my hurts or embarrassments. I didn't imagine my parents would do much to take that pain, whatever it was, away - or in the end make it worse by speaking out. I have two very important things to say about this.
For one, I had a dream last night, that I think may be very appropriate to share, here. I was walking down a street, and coming towards me was this obnoxious little kid and his mother. The kid was chiding me, saying things to me to get my attention, and then insulted me! This little asshole! ha The mother was largely oblivious, as parents often are towards their children - she saw him saying something amongst his barrage of affronts, something that wasn't as inflammatory as the rest of his words, and expressed amusement at this. I got the sense in this dream that she was just enamored with her son, in having a more verbose and expressive demeanor than she herself possessed. She was happy to have a child that is willing to speak with no fear, meanwhile she would not - she'd more likely keep her head down and keep moving. I think some many parents, in seeing just that small expression of their child, would be similarly prideful.
Anyway, as he was passing by and as the mom stopped paying attention, again, he said something along the lines of, "I hope you are a failure, forever." or "I hate you" ~ something to this end, I am sorry that I cannot recall the words so much as the understanding that the words were intended to be cruel and were deeply negative. My response, I recall, was long winded (my apologies by the way if, as your father, I am much the same - I am hoping that it tones down with age ha) considering the brevity of this passing. But I wished that little kid Peace. I said to him that I hoped he would grow up to understand that such random and unnecessary hatred is unbecoming and in the end, only ever self-inflicting. I said that I knew his life would either teach him this lesson quickly or painfully and repeatedly, and I hoped for his sake it was the former and not the latter. I said all of this with a smile that started in my heart, first.
My point in sharing this dream is what I felt here, and what I pray I am strong enough to pass on to you. I felt not anger, not hatred, not even pity or shame for that kid and his words - what I felt was a need to better that child by sharing the love that he lacked. I saw a child - no, I saw a Person - that couldn't possibly know better, and judging from the inattentive mother, wasn't being acknowledged enough to have been shown better. I thought, with regards to his attacks on me, that they did not Reflect me, and that they could Never reflect me - as much as they would that child.. He who speaks with such hatred or ignorance speaks from a hollow space.. In the process of bettering the world around us, we must always seek to fill that void with a reflection of the love we have for ourselves. But most importantly - and I Must stress this to you, my Future - we are fully accountable for how we let others make us feel. I could have looked at the child and felt all the pain he wanted me to feel (often, again, his way of reflecting onto someone else how he himself feels), or I can acknowledge his soreness and/or his ignorance, and fill it with the Truth of who I Am. The world hurts just as much as you let it... Sometimes you just have to take credit for how you feel.
Which leads to my second point (briefer, I promise) - Never deny yourself your Expression. If you feel a way then feel a way - enough, so, that you can understand it, influence it, explore it. But don't try to hide it from yourself just because you feel that is what the rest of the world expects of you. Never silence yourself if your heart has something to say. Don't be afraid of the waves you can make - just acknowledge that whatever you express you must be accountable for. Responsible for. Not to speak out and let the universe know how you feel is to deny yourself your very right to exist. You may not always receive in return what you expect to - but I can Promise you, that you can do no better than to express your own Truth. That is what love is. You'll have seen Disney movies or shows on TV or movies somehow or another that tell you otherwise (that love is trinkets or lust or longing or hurt), but this is not so. Love is being Absolutely You, and letting the world around you relish in this.
I don't know how to end this.. Other than to say that I hope Life, your mother, and I can raise a bit of brilliance that at some point - any point in their lives can fully receive this letter... Each word herein is meant to show you just how much I Love you. I hope you can read a reflection of this in my eyes, every day. I hope you can see it reflected in every action towards you... I hope that you know Love through my example.
Your Loving father-to-be,
Cory
If anything goes according to my hopes or expectations, I won't know you for quite some time.. Should I any sooner than far, far later, then I am made accountable for my actions and for not being a bit wiser in my decisions. But I will never call you a mistake ~ a 'mistake' implies that something is an accident... And there are no accidents. You could never be anything less to me than a wonderful blessing. All the same, I write this to you, today, because as far away as I envision you in my future, I think about you often. I think about you enough, at times, to wish I already knew you.. I think about you enough to already Love you... and to know that I always will. There may be a time when you aren't as sure of this, because there are seldom words enough and there is Never time enough for one to express this Truth to another - and if my relationship with My father is any indication, I can be almost assured that the words won't ever be said as much as they are meant - but when those times present themselves, this letter is the song I sing to you with the same amount of Love & Truth at any and every moment.
I think about the world I will leave to you, and the worries you will know. The fears you will face. I will tell you of my experiences - about the poverty that I now know that I can only hope won't be Your experience, come your time. I will tell you of the world's ugliest in as delicate but honest a voice as possible. I will praise loud and verbosely the world's best and shining moments.. I already suspect that you will be one of those which I sing the loudest praises. If it is in fact the case that I have not changed the world for even slightly better (besides with you, of course), then I owe you my apologies for you having to suffer the consequences of that. Know that from when and where I stand, right now, I am making an effort and I am doing what I can. I want you to know that that is all one can ever do. When you feel that there is more that you can or must do, just know this - that for whatever you are doing, wherever, you will have a Proud Dad. Take a breather when necessary - enjoy the warmth and pleasantry of the world whenever you can. Or take a knee if you have to - there are just gonna be some days that put everything into knocking you over.. But Never Give Up.
The world, your teachers, your friends, and yes, even at times your own parents, will try to push you left and push you right. Will tell you "this is how things are" and how you should be. Sometimes these people will tell you these things to protect you.. Other times they will do this to protect their interests or their expectations or their world view.. I imagine all of these are inline or much the same.. You will find your own Truth over the years - you will find people with good advice and others with bad. You may lose your step and your way often enough.. But for whatever you are told, have faith the absolute Most in yourself. The world will tell you how to be every single day - but just Be, in accordance with your view and your morality and your Love, and you will know a gracefulness and happiness that most who walk this Earth can't even imagine. Never be afraid to grow or change or evolve - even the dead change - but you and you alone will always have the greatest sense of who you are and what is and is not for you - the world will seem to do all that it can to have you forget this, but I pray you will not. Be effortlessly You, and in that truthful space all else falls around it in its rightful place.
As I have known racism in this lifetime, I am afraid that you, too, will know it - I am sorry, but there is seemingly no way around this. I think that the first time I was ever called a 'nigger' was on the jungle gyms by some other kid at school in 2nd or 3rd grade. I remember it hurt, for reasons I at that time did not understand. I suspect that this could happen to you, some time in your life, too.. And I suspect that, as I often did in my own youth, you won't tell your mother or me about it - if you inherit this trait from me, the case was that I do not often like to share my hurts or embarrassments. I didn't imagine my parents would do much to take that pain, whatever it was, away - or in the end make it worse by speaking out. I have two very important things to say about this.
For one, I had a dream last night, that I think may be very appropriate to share, here. I was walking down a street, and coming towards me was this obnoxious little kid and his mother. The kid was chiding me, saying things to me to get my attention, and then insulted me! This little asshole! ha The mother was largely oblivious, as parents often are towards their children - she saw him saying something amongst his barrage of affronts, something that wasn't as inflammatory as the rest of his words, and expressed amusement at this. I got the sense in this dream that she was just enamored with her son, in having a more verbose and expressive demeanor than she herself possessed. She was happy to have a child that is willing to speak with no fear, meanwhile she would not - she'd more likely keep her head down and keep moving. I think some many parents, in seeing just that small expression of their child, would be similarly prideful.
Anyway, as he was passing by and as the mom stopped paying attention, again, he said something along the lines of, "I hope you are a failure, forever." or "I hate you" ~ something to this end, I am sorry that I cannot recall the words so much as the understanding that the words were intended to be cruel and were deeply negative. My response, I recall, was long winded (my apologies by the way if, as your father, I am much the same - I am hoping that it tones down with age ha) considering the brevity of this passing. But I wished that little kid Peace. I said to him that I hoped he would grow up to understand that such random and unnecessary hatred is unbecoming and in the end, only ever self-inflicting. I said that I knew his life would either teach him this lesson quickly or painfully and repeatedly, and I hoped for his sake it was the former and not the latter. I said all of this with a smile that started in my heart, first.
My point in sharing this dream is what I felt here, and what I pray I am strong enough to pass on to you. I felt not anger, not hatred, not even pity or shame for that kid and his words - what I felt was a need to better that child by sharing the love that he lacked. I saw a child - no, I saw a Person - that couldn't possibly know better, and judging from the inattentive mother, wasn't being acknowledged enough to have been shown better. I thought, with regards to his attacks on me, that they did not Reflect me, and that they could Never reflect me - as much as they would that child.. He who speaks with such hatred or ignorance speaks from a hollow space.. In the process of bettering the world around us, we must always seek to fill that void with a reflection of the love we have for ourselves. But most importantly - and I Must stress this to you, my Future - we are fully accountable for how we let others make us feel. I could have looked at the child and felt all the pain he wanted me to feel (often, again, his way of reflecting onto someone else how he himself feels), or I can acknowledge his soreness and/or his ignorance, and fill it with the Truth of who I Am. The world hurts just as much as you let it... Sometimes you just have to take credit for how you feel.
Which leads to my second point (briefer, I promise) - Never deny yourself your Expression. If you feel a way then feel a way - enough, so, that you can understand it, influence it, explore it. But don't try to hide it from yourself just because you feel that is what the rest of the world expects of you. Never silence yourself if your heart has something to say. Don't be afraid of the waves you can make - just acknowledge that whatever you express you must be accountable for. Responsible for. Not to speak out and let the universe know how you feel is to deny yourself your very right to exist. You may not always receive in return what you expect to - but I can Promise you, that you can do no better than to express your own Truth. That is what love is. You'll have seen Disney movies or shows on TV or movies somehow or another that tell you otherwise (that love is trinkets or lust or longing or hurt), but this is not so. Love is being Absolutely You, and letting the world around you relish in this.
I don't know how to end this.. Other than to say that I hope Life, your mother, and I can raise a bit of brilliance that at some point - any point in their lives can fully receive this letter... Each word herein is meant to show you just how much I Love you. I hope you can read a reflection of this in my eyes, every day. I hope you can see it reflected in every action towards you... I hope that you know Love through my example.
Your Loving father-to-be,
Cory
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